Lifetime of Performances - Confessions of a Secret Introvert

Today, my random ramblings will be a public confession.  Not everything about me is as it appears.  A dear friend once told me that he learned how to be an extrovert by watching me.  He told me that I have never met a stranger because I was at ease with meeting and conversing with complete strangers.  The truth is, I am actually not all that brave.  There are times when I have actually been terrified at the idea of going to networking events.  The thought of putting myself out there and meeting new people would make my palms sweat, which is not a very hygienic if you are in a situation where you have to shake a lot of hands.

Some of you are probably shaking your heads thinking that I am pulling everyone's legs.  On the surface, I personify the word "extrovert."  I spend a lot of time at networking events.  I frequently make presentations to large audiences.  Some may even consider me to be a "connector" because I belong to so many networks.  So why would I claim to be an introvert at heart?

Many of the Chinese culture and values, such as being humble and reserved in social settings, line up with introversion.  Many of us were probably forced to stay home and study or go to summer school rather than out learning to be social at the playground or on a sports team.  On top of that, I was single and lived by myself for most of my thirties.  I have had plenty of practice finding energy from within myself.  No matter how many people I deal with during the day, I went home to my condo (or my hotel room since I am a consultant) by myself every night.  If I was truly an extrovert, that would've been very lonely.  I loved having my "fortress of solitude" to retreat from the world.  

I still get butterflies in my stomach before I take stage, even though I have been on stage hundreds of times.  I often feel alone in a room full of people even though I have been told that my charisma draws people to me.  Like most introverts, I tend to spend a lot of time talking with the voices in my head.  If I was half as funny out loud as the voices that dominate my head, then I would be quite the comedian.  The clearest sign that I am introvert in an extrovert's clothing is that I crash hard after being on stage or attending a networking event.  I would have been very energized by those experiences if I was an extrovert.

So, how did I overcome my introversion to be known as a "people person?"  Here are a few things that I have done my whole life:

1. I get into character.  When I was a kid, I dabbled in acting enough to know how to get into character.  I often meditate and use self-affirmation to psych myself into going on stage or into social situations.  I use my introversion to reach deep into myself and draw energy to become someone that is more confident and more comfortable in social settings.

2. I adjust my focus.  When I am on stage, I widen my focus so far beyond the audience that they almost become blurry to me.  This helps me feel as comfortable presenting as if I was still rehearsing by myself.  When I am speaking with a person at a networking event, I try to filter out all of the other distractions going on around me and focus on the person and the conversation.  This helps me to limit my anxieties about being in a room full of people.

3. I ask open ended questions.  Asking good questions is one sure way to get away with not being the one doing all the talking.  If there is anything I learned in my two years working for a call center is how to actively listen and ask open ended questions.  If you ask the right questions, then you can keep the dialog going regardless of how much or how little you know about the topic. The more you show interest in what someone has to say, the more likely you will find a reason to stay connected beyond that networking moment.

4. I spend my energy strategically.  When networking, I determine who I want to talk to ahead of time and what I want the conversation to get me.  Once I have reached my goals, I can choose how to spend the rest of my energy.  I can choose to take a break from the crowds, be a non-creepy introvert fly on the wall and listen in on conversations, and even allow myself to make a few more new connections.  It is important to note that introverts are very good at disappearing without notice.  I am definitely still learning and practicing how to make more impactful good-bye’s so that I leave lasting positive impressions.

5. I keep putting myself out there.  There is nothing in this world that comes naturally for me.  People who think I am a great extrovert may not realize that I have forced the situation by consistently putting myself out there since I was in middle school.  As uncomfortable as I am being social or taking center stage, I have spent decades doing it so that it has become something I can do as unconsciously as brushing my teeth.

You may have seen or heard of "performance of a life time."  My extroversion is a "life time of performances."  I have developed an extrovert persona that I put on almost every day of my life.  That said, I am not suggesting that I become someone I am not.  All actors and actresses bring themselves into their performance.  Being authentic is still a key to success.  I let my own personality come through when I am being an extrovert.  I am infamous for my quirky social awkwardness and liberal use of self-deprecation humor.  Both traits come standard issue for introverts.  Overtime, I have made being an extrovert an acquired skill rather than a birthright personality trait.  

At the end of the day, I know that I cannot avoid public speaking and networking if I want to achieve my personal and professional goals.  I also know that getting uncomfortable is a small sacrifice to make in the journey of becoming a better me.  

I hope that this helps those of you who are introverts to push pass your anxieties and put yourselves out there.

Stay cheesy,

The Rambunctious Rat