Lifetime of Performances - Confessions of a Secret Introvert

Today, my random ramblings will be a public confession.  Not everything about me is as it appears.  A dear friend once told me that he learned how to be an extrovert by watching me.  He told me that I have never met a stranger because I was at ease with meeting and conversing with complete strangers.  The truth is, I am actually not all that brave.  There are times when I have actually been terrified at the idea of going to networking events.  The thought of putting myself out there and meeting new people would make my palms sweat, which is not a very hygienic if you are in a situation where you have to shake a lot of hands.

Some of you are probably shaking your heads thinking that I am pulling everyone's legs.  On the surface, I personify the word "extrovert."  I spend a lot of time at networking events.  I frequently make presentations to large audiences.  Some may even consider me to be a "connector" because I belong to so many networks.  So why would I claim to be an introvert at heart?

Many of the Chinese culture and values, such as being humble and reserved in social settings, line up with introversion.  Many of us were probably forced to stay home and study or go to summer school rather than out learning to be social at the playground or on a sports team.  On top of that, I was single and lived by myself for most of my thirties.  I have had plenty of practice finding energy from within myself.  No matter how many people I deal with during the day, I went home to my condo (or my hotel room since I am a consultant) by myself every night.  If I was truly an extrovert, that would've been very lonely.  I loved having my "fortress of solitude" to retreat from the world.  

I still get butterflies in my stomach before I take stage, even though I have been on stage hundreds of times.  I often feel alone in a room full of people even though I have been told that my charisma draws people to me.  Like most introverts, I tend to spend a lot of time talking with the voices in my head.  If I was half as funny out loud as the voices that dominate my head, then I would be quite the comedian.  The clearest sign that I am introvert in an extrovert's clothing is that I crash hard after being on stage or attending a networking event.  I would have been very energized by those experiences if I was an extrovert.

So, how did I overcome my introversion to be known as a "people person?"  Here are a few things that I have done my whole life:

1. I get into character.  When I was a kid, I dabbled in acting enough to know how to get into character.  I often meditate and use self-affirmation to psych myself into going on stage or into social situations.  I use my introversion to reach deep into myself and draw energy to become someone that is more confident and more comfortable in social settings.

2. I adjust my focus.  When I am on stage, I widen my focus so far beyond the audience that they almost become blurry to me.  This helps me feel as comfortable presenting as if I was still rehearsing by myself.  When I am speaking with a person at a networking event, I try to filter out all of the other distractions going on around me and focus on the person and the conversation.  This helps me to limit my anxieties about being in a room full of people.

3. I ask open ended questions.  Asking good questions is one sure way to get away with not being the one doing all the talking.  If there is anything I learned in my two years working for a call center is how to actively listen and ask open ended questions.  If you ask the right questions, then you can keep the dialog going regardless of how much or how little you know about the topic. The more you show interest in what someone has to say, the more likely you will find a reason to stay connected beyond that networking moment.

4. I spend my energy strategically.  When networking, I determine who I want to talk to ahead of time and what I want the conversation to get me.  Once I have reached my goals, I can choose how to spend the rest of my energy.  I can choose to take a break from the crowds, be a non-creepy introvert fly on the wall and listen in on conversations, and even allow myself to make a few more new connections.  It is important to note that introverts are very good at disappearing without notice.  I am definitely still learning and practicing how to make more impactful good-bye’s so that I leave lasting positive impressions.

5. I keep putting myself out there.  There is nothing in this world that comes naturally for me.  People who think I am a great extrovert may not realize that I have forced the situation by consistently putting myself out there since I was in middle school.  As uncomfortable as I am being social or taking center stage, I have spent decades doing it so that it has become something I can do as unconsciously as brushing my teeth.

You may have seen or heard of "performance of a life time."  My extroversion is a "life time of performances."  I have developed an extrovert persona that I put on almost every day of my life.  That said, I am not suggesting that I become someone I am not.  All actors and actresses bring themselves into their performance.  Being authentic is still a key to success.  I let my own personality come through when I am being an extrovert.  I am infamous for my quirky social awkwardness and liberal use of self-deprecation humor.  Both traits come standard issue for introverts.  Overtime, I have made being an extrovert an acquired skill rather than a birthright personality trait.  

At the end of the day, I know that I cannot avoid public speaking and networking if I want to achieve my personal and professional goals.  I also know that getting uncomfortable is a small sacrifice to make in the journey of becoming a better me.  

I hope that this helps those of you who are introverts to push pass your anxieties and put yourselves out there.

Stay cheesy,

The Rambunctious Rat

What's in a name?

Hello everyone, it’s me randomly rambling again.  Recently, I was privileged to have been in the audience of a panel discussion about Asian stereotypes.  The panel of renowned Asia American leaders each took turn telling their amazing stories and they urged the mostly Asian audience not to give up on their ethnicity in the workplace.  It was an inspiring segment.  There was a phrase that one of the panelists used that stood out with me.  "Don't check your ethnicity at the door."  I nodded in agreement and then chuckled because my eyes had moved towards the screen displaying the pictures and names of the moderator and the panelists.  Four out of five of them were using “western friendly” names.  

I chuckled because I have heard the advice of adopting a westernized name to fit in from multiple sources.  The idea is that it cuts out the "noise" and helps others to focus on the individual rather than spending time to agonizing over remembering how to properly pronounce the individual's name.  It is not a bad advice, except that in this context, giving up your name is absolutely the gate way drug to checking your ethnicity at the door.

My first thought after I chuckled was that I use my western name on a regular basis.  Actually, because my western name is difficult to pronounce, I just introduce myself using my initials.  I nearly never give out my Chinese name.  So am I a hypocrite for thinking that when someone adapts a western name, then they are checking their ethnicity at the door?  One difference is that I was given my western name when I was born because my parents were progressive and because I lived in Hong Kong when it was still a British colony.  Like most Asians who grew up or were born in a western culture, my western name had become part of my identity.  Only very close relatives ever knew or used our Asian names.  

When all is said and done, I do not have a good enough excuse for never using my Asian name.  I do check that part of my ethnicity at the door every day.  I grew up never telling my non-Asian friends my Chinese name because I wanted to avoid being teased.  I should also note that I have been told by Chinese friends that my Chinese name sounded like a name meant for a girl rather than a boy.  Well, I did not tell too many Asian people my Chinese name after that either.

I was once told a joke that Chinese dads came up with names for their babies by throwing beer cans down the street and listening for the sounds the cans made as they hit the ground.  Well, I am a Chinese dad.  I can tell you that it took months of deliberation, unsolicited recommendations, and usually some form of epiphany to come up with both the Chinese and English names of our children.  In fact, I will argue that the names parents come up with for their children probably represents something very important to them.  In some cultures that would mean naming your children after a loved one.  In other cultures, it may be that the meaning of the name represents your hope for your children.  Some names represent a proud lineage of the family.  Now imagine those children someday becoming ashamed of their name, or choosing to give up using their given name just to fit in.

So, what is the right answer here?  Are people indeed checking their ethnicity at the door when they adopt a name that is more fitting of the local culture?  Is it something simple or meaningless to give up?  Does it indeed become the first of many acts of Asian sub-servitude towards westerners that leads to repeated behaviors of falling in line and blending in?  Is a group of westernized minorities with easy to pronounce names what corporations and customers mean when they demand diversity?

I will offer this last thought on the topic.  When I was choosing a foreign language to learn, I was told I should take Spanish because it was the second most spoken language in the US.  I spent three years studying Spanish on that advice.  Asians make up more than half of the world's total population.  Would it be that much to ask someone to spend three minutes learning how to say your name?  What would the world feel like if westerners came up to Asians and introduced themselves in adopted Asian names?

Stay Cheesy

The Rambunctious Rat