In October 1988, President Ronald Reagan declared October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month saying, "When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them." (October15th.com)
Pregnancy and infant losses are tremendously tragic. The pendulum swings swiftly from happiness and hope to misery and loss. They are also heartbreaking because we all share a deep fondness for the innocence of babies and the hope they represent for the future. The fact that it is such a common occurrence makes it really important for us to become more aware and more supportive of those going through it.
Today, I want to share our story with you to help raise awareness of this very common tragedy.
When my wife and I returned from our honeymoon, we found out that we were expecting. It was an amazing and scary discovery. We went from the chaos of planning and having wedding celebrations on two continents to the wonders of being first time expecting parents in just a few weeks. We were living in the clouds and dreaming about how our lives would change. Like most Chinese, we counted our blessings when we discovered the baby was going to be a boy born in the year of the Dragon.
Unfortunately, our dreams turned tragic a few months later. My wife's water broke at week 21. We were encouraged by the doctors to make a decision to deliver the baby knowing that he would not survive. Instead, we turned to our faith and hope for a miracle that the baby could survive inside her womb for a couple more weeks so that he would have a chance at the NICU. Two days later, my wife went into contractions and we had to deliver our baby boy. I still remember holding him with palms of my hands and my wife pushing through her tears as she named him Jonah. We elected to cremate Jonah and held a small service at our church. Jonah's ashes rest on our mantle to this day.
The two days between my wife's water breaking and Jonah's birth is now a blur to me. I recalled that my wife and I spent a lot of time in our family room. She had to remain as still as possible. We would pray together and sing to Jonah. The one song that I kept coming back to was a hymn called, "Before I was Born" by David Haas. It comforted us in thinking about how Jonah had a relationship with God even before he was born. I hoped that it would comfort Jonah to know that he was never and will never be alone.
It's been three years since Jonah passed. My wife and I have two wonderful children - a son and a daughter - who we love very much. I recall how cautious we were with each of the pregnancies after Jonah. We lost our innocence as expecting parents. You could say, we were even cautious with our hearts, hopes and dreams. There were several complications with my son's pregnancy and we were always holding our breath and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Luckily for us, it never did. Life is very hectic now as we learn to be parents to two toddlers who are only a year and a few months apart. However, not a day goes by that we do not think of Jonah and what life would have been like with him in the world.
Few things I want to highlight about our experience:
1.) We too. You never know how many people out there have similar tragedies until it happens to you. I remember so many people came out and shared with me their stories of loss ranging from multiple miscarriages to babies that died during child birth. Approximately 1 in 4 pregnancies result in a miscarriage. That number is astounding. Because no one really talks about it so you do not know how many people in your life may have gone through a pregnancy or infant loss.
I saw a post recently on Facebook where someone came forward and shared their trials and tribulations of going through multiple miscarriages with a graphic that said, "We too." I found strength in their story. When people I have just met ask me about children, I find it hard not to talk about Jonah. I know that is "over sharing" in most people's minds and cultures. There are times when I did not share in work situations and I struggled with it. For me, Jonah was one of our children, and I would not feel right leaving him off the list. When we did share our story, most shared their personal stories or stories of loved ones that went through similar tragedies. That bond has led to deeper relationships. While I am not a proponent of oversharing, I do feel like the times when I was comfortable doing so, I inadvertently helped someone by saying, "We too."
2.) It's not about how long they lived. While it is not uncommon for miscarriages to take place, I do not think that it is a worthwhile exercise to delve into the degree to which the parents should grief based on the duration that the baby lived. A loss is a loss. It is a loss whether you make it through the first trimester or successfully delivered a baby. As a parent, your heart and soul is completely invested into your child the whole time. A mother feels her baby inside her every moment of everyday. Like many dads, I spent many waking moments day dreaming about the future lives of my children while they were still in my wife's womb.
In Chinese tradition, when a baby is born, he or she is one year old. I like that tradition because it recognizes the baby's life while in his or her mother's womb. Therefore, it is unnecessary to compare tragedies or worse, dismiss miscarriages as minor tragedies because the baby was less than 20 weeks old. The sadness is just as deep, and the fear of trying again is just as great.
3.) No, we never forget. Whether it is because we do not talk about it as much, or that we are apparently in a better place because of the children that we do have, we still mourn our loss everyday. There always seem to be people with good intentions who nominate themselves to voice their opinions of why we should get over or get pass pregnancy and infant losses. While that may be perfectly healthy coping mechanism for them, they should never assume that it is a one for those who experienced the loss.
Sometimes, an over protective parent is just over compensating for not being able to save their baby from a pregnancy or infant loss. You just feel like you cannot do enough to keep the ones who lived safe. Every cut, bruise, cough and fever can be really scary for parents who have gone through a pregnancy or infant loss.
My wife and I get choked up when people ask us how many children we have together. We get choked up on Jonah's original due date. We get choked up on his birthday and during the holidays. We get choked up trying to decide whether or not to call our son the oldest. You never know what will be the next trigger that will bring back memories of our loss. The one single similarity among all of the "we too" stories that I heard is that no matter how long ago the tragedy took place, they never forgot the loss that they felt.
4.) Help us. Those of you familiar with the Kubler Ross model of the five stages of grief realize that we all embark on similar physiological journeys when we experience a loss. Some of us never get to acceptance and moving on. I believe that my wife and I really helped each other through our grief journey. Our marriage is much stronger for having gone through the loss of Jonah. I would not have been able to go through it without my wife's love and support.
I also found strength and comfort from the love and support of those around me. I remember receiving father's day cards and my wife receiving mother day's cards the year we loss Jonah. That was such a kind and thoughtful gesture. We received prayer cards that let us know there were communities of faith praying for his soul. To this day, one of my friends continue to send Christmas gifts to Jonah as if to tell us that she knew that we remembered and she loved and supported us. I find strength when I look at all the cards and gifts around the statue where Jonah's ashes rest. I cannot thank my friends and family enough for the support they have given us and continue to give us.
I know this is taking a slight turn from my usual posts. I do feel that it is important to raise awareness for Pregnancy and Infant Loss month. October 15th is a national day of remembrance for pregnancy and infant loss. Let us all take a moment and pray and think about the many grieving parents out there and the babies that were called back to Heaven to be Angels. To find out more about Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, please go to http://www.october15th.com.
Stay Cheesy,
The Rambunctious Rat
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